Key takeaways
- A systematic review and meta-analysis in AIDS and Behavior estimates lifetime prevalence of heterosexual anal sex at 22% in sexually active people under 25
- The anal canal has no natural lubrication: a thicker, body-safe lubricant isn't an option but a requirement
- The external and internal sphincter must both relax for a pain-free experience; rushing is the biggest cause of a bad first time
- "Pain is a signal, not a challenge". At any sign of pain, the session stops. Period.
Anal sex is one of the most practiced and simultaneously least-well-explained forms of intimacy. Research confirms it's widespread, both solo and partnered, yet it's almost entirely missing from standard sex education. The result: many people experience a poorly prepared, painful, or even traumatic first time. That's not necessary. With the right anatomy knowledge, the right lubricant, and the right tempo, anal sex is safe and pleasurable. This guide explains it step by step.
What does research say about anal sex?
Prevalence
A large systematic review and meta-analysis in AIDS and Behavior (Owen et al.) analyzed 136 worldwide studies. The aggregated lifetime prevalence of heterosexual anal sex among people under 25 was 22%, almost 1 in 4. No statistically significant difference between genders or continents. In other words: this is mainstream, not exceptional.
A U.S. CDC study confirmed that anal and oral sex are "common sexual practices" (CDC pdf). The AJPH 2009 study by Ompad et al. found 16% recent anal sex among at-risk adults.
The education gap
A 2021 scoping review in the Journal of Clinical Nursing (Stewart) looked at safer-sex practices in heterosexual anal intercourse. The review confirms what practice already shows: healthcare providers rarely ask their heterosexual patients about anal sex, education lags, and condom use is consistently lower than for vaginal sex. That's a public health problem.
What this means for you
Two things. One: if you're considering this or already doing it, you're not alone. It's normal. Two: because it's poorly taught, the responsibility for good information falls on you. This guide is for that.
The anatomy: why anal differs from vaginal
Two sphincters
The anus has two sphincters: the external (which you can consciously control, like holding back stool) and the internal (controlled by the autonomic nervous system, not consciously controllable). Both must relax for pain-free penetration.
The external relaxes with attention and breathing. The internal only relaxes when the body feels safe, meaning slow buildup, no forcing, and trust in your partner.
No natural lubrication
Unlike the vagina (which self-lubricates with arousal), the anal canal produces no lubrication. So lubricant use during anal sex is always required. Not "for extra glide", but as a necessity.
Sensitive zone
The anus and the first 5 to 7 cm of the rectum have a high concentration of nerve endings. For men, the prostate sits about 7 to 10 cm in, toward the abdominal side, where prostate stimulation happens. For women, anal stimulation can indirectly affect the G-spot through the thin shared wall.
What anatomy isn't
- Not "small": the opening size adapts
- Not "dirty": with proper preparation (next section), it's hygienic
- Not "only for men" or "only for couples": anatomically, it works for any body
Preparation (24 to 48 hours ahead)
Food and drink
24 hours before: enough fiber, enough water. That ensures a soft, complete bowel movement. Avoid heavy, fatty, or alcohol-rich meals just before.
Hygiene
For most people, normal daily showering with careful external washing is enough. Internal rinsing (enema) is not a standard requirement. It's an option if you want extra confidence: use only lukewarm water, no soap, and not immediately before the session.
Practically ready
- Dark towel under you for possible small residue (completely normal, not shameful)
- Wet wipes within reach
- Lubricant ready
- Toy(s) ready and clean
- Optionally a condom within reach
Mentally ready
Not under pressure. Not a quick session. Not "because we have to." Anal sex requires slow focus and mental relaxation. Plan an evening, not 30 minutes.
The right lubricant
This is the most critical purchase. With anal sex, lubricant choice isn't "preference": the wrong lubricant means pain, micro-tearing, and infection risk.
What you want
- Thicker than vaginal lubricant (better staying power)
- WHO-compliant osmolality (under 1200 mOsm/kg). See our complete lubricant guide
- pH 5.5 to 7 (rectally appropriate, not vaginal pH 4.5)
- No warming/cooling ingredients (irritating to the sensitive rectal wall)
- Compatible with your toy material (silicone toy → use water-based lube, never silicone lube)
Use enough
How much? Much more than you think. For anal sex: 2 to 3x as much as vaginal. Reapply regularly during the session. The ODES Aia 100% natural water-based lubricant or a thicker anal-specific variant from our lubricants and oils collection are both suitable starting points.
Never use
- Vaseline or lotion (breaks down latex condoms, irritates)
- Oil + latex condom (combination forbidden)
- Saliva (too thin, dries too fast)
- Glycerin-rich lubricants if yeast-sensitive
Step-by-step technique
This isn't an instruction you breeze through in 10 minutes. Plan at least an hour, ideally more.
Step 1: External massage (10 to 15 minutes)
Never start with penetration. Begin with external massage around the anus with a well-lubed finger. No inward pressure. Circular movements. Breathing. Continue until the area feels relaxed.
Step 2: Fingertip introduction (5 to 10 minutes)
A well-lubed fingertip, light inward pressure. If there's resistance: stop, breathe, wait. When it feels comfortable: go a bit deeper. This is where you "meet" the two sphincters.
Step 3: One full finger (5 to 10 minutes)
Only when a fingertip is fully comfortable do you move to a whole finger. Move slowly. For some people, this is the endpoint of the first session, and that's perfectly fine.
Step 4: Small plug or toy
Only when one finger is fully comfortable do you introduce something small. A small, tapered butt plug like the ODES Euphora (on the smallest setting) or a slim anal vibrator like the ODES Swell are designed for this phase. Important: the toy must have a flared base (a wider base that prevents it from going completely inside).
Step 5: Possible penetration
Only in a later session, often weeks or months later, does larger penetration come into play, if desired. No obligation. For many people, an anal plug combined with other stimulation remains the preferred form.
Step 6: Wrap-up
Slowly withdraw the toy or finger. Clean thoroughly. Take time to lie together. Briefly talk about how it felt. Drink water.
Communication and consent
This isn't an activity where "let it just happen" works. Anal sex requires active communication:
- Beforehand: What is and isn't allowed. What words do you use for "stop," "wait," "continue"?
- During: Constant check-ins. "How does this feel?" Don't interpret silence as "yes."
- Afterward: Reflection. What worked, what didn't?
The signal system
Agree on one clear word for "stop now" beforehand. Not "ouch" or "wait", a single signal that requires no interpretation. Some couples use a traffic-light system: green (continue), yellow (slow), red (full stop).
Pain = stop, always
Anal sex shouldn't be painful. Light pressure or a "full" feeling: fine. Pain: never. Pain means a sphincter isn't relaxed yet, or the technique or size isn't right. Stop, recover, and possibly try again later with more preparation.
Products: a tiered approach
For the very first introduction
Soft, small, with a flared base. The ODES Euphora butt plug (vibrating, rotating) is designed for exactly this starting phase: small form, body-safe silicone, with vibration as an optional extra relaxer.
For wanting to go further
The ODES Swell anal vibrator is a next step: slightly longer, with a vibration function, still beginner-friendly but also suitable for those building experience.
For men specifically (prostate)
For men combining anal exploration with prostate stimulation: the ODES Ombre prostate vibrator is curved for direct prostate reach. Not necessarily a first-time toy, for those who already have some experience.
For the complete starter set
Browse our collection for him or the complete ODES collection for an overview.
A 6-step plan for your first time
Step 1: Plan an evening, not a moment
90+ minutes. No clock pressure. No deadline hanging over your head.
Step 2: Prepare 24 hours ahead
Eat and drink as described above. Light exercise can help with general relaxation. Avoid alcohol immediately before.
Step 3: Prepare the physical setting
Dark towel. Lubricant ready. Toy(s) ready and cleaned. Wet wipes. A glass of water within reach.
Step 4: Don't start with anal. Start with intimacy
15 to 30 minutes of general intimacy first. Sensual massage, non-genital touch, or solo exploration. The body must say "yes" before the specific zone is involved.
Step 5: Follow the step-by-step protocol
External massage → fingertip → finger → optionally toy. Never faster than the body allows.
Step 6: Reflect briefly and hydrate
After: drink water, briefly discuss how it went, and put things away. Don't get up immediately.
Common mistakes
Mistake 1: Too little lubricant. By far the most common mistake. Use 2 to 3x more than you think. Reapply often.
Mistake 2: Too rushed. Anal sex isn't a 10-minute event. Plan 60 to 90 minutes or more.
Mistake 3: Ignoring pain. Pain means: stop. Not "breathe through it." Not "it'll get better."
Mistake 4: Toy without a flared base. Risk of complete internal migration and a medical emergency. Always use a toy with a wider base.
Mistake 5: Anal to vaginal without cleaning. E. coli transmission, UTI risk. Switch toys or condoms before going from anal to vaginal.
Mistake 6: Lubricant with irritating ingredients. No warming/cooling. No synthetic fragrances. Read ingredient lists.
Mistake 7: No condom with a new partner. Anal sex has a higher HIV/STI transmission risk than vaginal. Condom + sufficient lubricant = significant reduction of that risk.
When is this a signal for more attention?
Some scenarios deserve further attention:
- Bleeding after anal sex: slight spotting can occur, but substantial bleeding or persistent blood means seeing a doctor.
- Persistent pain days after: this isn't consistent with correct technique; it may indicate fissures or injury.
- Pressure or coercion from a partner: anal sex must be desired by both partners. Coercion is a red flag for the relationship itself.
- Pain not resolving despite adjustments: additional causes may be at play (hemorrhoids, fissures, pelvic floor dysfunction). A pelvic floor physiotherapist or doctor can help.
- Unprocessed shame or anxiety: sometimes it's not just technique. Sex therapy can be valuable.
Frequently asked questions about anal sex for beginners
Does anal sex always hurt the first time?
No. With good preparation, sufficient lubricant, and proper tempo, a first time is comfortable. Pain is a signal that something isn't right.
Can I have anal sex during menstruation?
Yes, anal sex is fully independent of menstruation. Some women even find it more pleasant during this time due to increased sensitivity.
Does anal sex "loosen" my sphincter long-term?
No, not with correct technique. The sphincter recovers its tone after each experience. Permanent loss of control only happens with serious injury or disease, not from pleasurable sex.
Is anal sex "less healthy" than vaginal sex?
Not inherently. But there is a higher STI transmission risk without condoms. With good hygiene, lubricant, and condom use, it's safe.
Can I use a condom during anal sex?
Yes, and it's strongly recommended with new partners. Use condoms designed for anal sex (often slightly thicker) with plenty of water-based lubricant.
What if I can't relax?
Completely normal and not a failure. Stop this session. Try again another time in a different setting. Don't force it. Sometimes a sexologist or pelvic floor therapist can help.
Conclusion: slow, lubricated, and with respect
Anal sex, despite showing up in 22% of sexual histories, remains underserved by education. It doesn't have to stay that way. The principles are clear: solid anatomy knowledge, plenty of body-safe thick lubricant, slow buildup, active communication, and a toy with a flared base if you want to go beyond a finger.
For those starting this week: the ODES Euphora butt plug is a good first investment. Combine it with the Aia 100% natural water-based lubricant and read the lubricant guide for further details.
