- Lehmiller's research with 4,175 Americans (2018) showed 97% have had a sexual fantasy: fantasies are the norm, not the exception
- Fantasy ≠ desire to enact. It's normal to fantasize about things you'd never want to do
- The seven most common fantasy categories are recognizable to most people: you're not 'weird'
- Sharing fantasies with a partner strengthens intimacy, when done without judgment
- This guide is for people who want to better understand their own fantasies, and how to discuss them
Eva, 39: 'I thought for years I was strange for fantasizing about certain things. Until my best friend, drunk, shared something similar. That's when I realized: maybe everyone is just quiet about the same things.'
Her insight is exactly what research confirms. Sexual fantasies are universal, their content is surprisingly uniform, and the biggest damage comes not from the fantasies themselves but from the shame around them. In this guide: what the research says, what fantasies do and don't mean, and how to share them (if you want).
What Does Research Say?
In 2018 American social psychologist Justin Lehmiller published Tell Me What You Want, based on the largest fantasy study ever, with 4,175 Americans of all backgrounds. Result: 97% had at some point had a sexual fantasy. The remaining 3% probably had one too, but didn't acknowledge it.
The content turned out not to be as diverse as you'd expect. Lehmiller identified seven main categories that nearly all fantasies fell into, shared across gender, age, orientation and relationship status.
The Seven Main Categories
1. Multi-partner sex: usually threesomes, sometimes larger groups. By far the most common fantasy.
2. Power, roughness, or taboo: ranging from soft dominance to strong BDSM themes.
3. Novelty and adventure: sex in unusual locations, new partners, exotic scenarios.
4. Partner-centered fantasies: fantasies about your current partner, often more intense or experimental than your usual sex.
5. Taboo or 'forbidden' partner: fantasies about people or situations not actually on the table.
6. Polyamory / non-monogamy: open relationships, swinging, shared desire.
7. Passion and romance: deeper connection, emotional intensity, idealization.
If you recognize yourself in multiple of these categories: you are completely normal.
Fantasy ≠ Desire to Enact
The most important insight from the research: fantasy isn't the same as what you want in reality. Many people regularly fantasize about things they'd never want to experience, and that's psychologically completely healthy.
The brain uses fantasy as a safe sandbox, a place to explore scenarios without consequences. Fantasizing about a threesome doesn't mean you want one. A dominance fantasy doesn't mean you want to be dominated in real life.
That distinction is liberating, because it lowers the stakes of fantasy considerably.
Why We Stay Silent
Despite how normal fantasies are, the majority of people never share them with their partner. Three reasons:
1. Fear of judgment. 'If she knows this, she'll think I'm [something].'
2. Fear of implication. 'If I say this, she'll think I want to do it.'
3. Loss of the fantasy itself. Some people feel that sharing removes the magic.
The paradox: research shows couples who share fantasies (not necessarily enact, just discuss) report higher sexual satisfaction. Read our guide on communication in bed for concrete techniques.
How to Share a Fantasy (If You Want To)
Choose a neutral moment. Not mid-sex or right after. On the couch, during a walk.
Frame as sharing, not requesting. 'I sometimes fantasize about [...]' is different from 'I want to do [...]'. It opens space without pressure.
Give your partner room to do the same. Ask what they fantasize about.
Accept varied responses. Not every fantasy gets shared. That's OK. What counts is being able to talk about fantasies as a concept.
For couples wanting to explore something new together, a shared toy like the ODES Surrender or ODES Unite can be an accessible starting point.
Common Misconceptions
'My fantasies say something is wrong with me.' Almost never. Fantasies are usually ordinary variations on universal themes.
'If I fantasize about X, I'm being unfaithful.' Research finds no link between fantasies and infidelity. In fact, couples with active fantasy lives score higher on relationship satisfaction.
'I couldn't forgive my partner if they fantasized about X.' Pre-reacting to a hypothetical fantasy is different from reacting to reality. Many people discover their partner has roughly the same fantasies as them.
When Is It a Signal to Seek Help?
If fantasies come with compulsion, shame that bothers you, or involve non-consensual scenarios that concern you, a sexologist is a good conversation partner. Not to 'remove' the fantasy, but to find more peace with it.
FAQ
How often is healthy?
There's no 'healthy' number. Some people fantasize daily, others rarely. Both are normal.
Can I fantasize about an ex?
Thoughts aren't malicious. What counts is what you do with them in reality.
Can I change my fantasies?
Harder than you'd think. Research suggests fantasies largely arise unconsciously. Acceptance often works better than trying to change.
Conclusion
Sexual fantasies are universal, their content is surprisingly predictable, and the damage isn't in the fantasies themselves but in the shame around them. Lehmiller's research shows you're not alone, and that sharing fantasies, rather than suppressing them, often leads to more intimate relationships.
For couples wanting to explore together: check the ODES Surrender, the ODES Unite, or the collection for couples.
Sources:
1. Lehmiller, J. J. (2018). Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire. Da Capo Lifelong Books.
2. Joyal, C. C., et al. (2015). What exactly is an unusual sexual fantasy? Journal of Sexual Medicine, 12(2), 328-340.
